so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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