This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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