Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize