I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
