You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
