Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
