someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
