The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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