holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
