Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
