I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
