he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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