I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
