i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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