I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize