I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
