I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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