maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
