Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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