Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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