He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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