Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You can't motorboat a personality
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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