did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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