I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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