We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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