He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
