I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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