Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
