Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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