u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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