We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
