You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
