Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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