there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
