Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize