All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
