I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
