You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
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