I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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