Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
