just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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