dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I die, sorry about rent.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
