she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
