You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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