I got chris browned last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
