My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
