my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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