im drinking this country out of the recession.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
