the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
