i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
