we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize