The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
