Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
