You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
