So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
