I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
