hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How does one acquire holy water?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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