I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
