my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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