I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
handjob tips. give me some.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
