I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
